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Who I'd Be

By Alexis McIntosh

I’d be happy in my own skin.

Satisfied with where I am and my current circumstances.

I’d actually be fine with where I am.

At peace with my demons.

So close we’d have our own secret handshake.

I’d be one with every part of myself.

Seeing the world with glasses half full.

I’d be happy, period.

Obviously, I am none of these things.

What, with expectations coming from every direction.

The disappointment that arises so often tastes of bile at the back of my throat.

The peace I long for squirreled away by the demons that live rent-free in my head.

Happiness that was forced out of my inner child’s grasping hands.

Skin rubbed raw and chafing in all the worst ways.

I long to be who I’m meant to be.

I presume it would be someone who has all their shit together.

Someone who doesn’t worry about things they can’t control.

Someone who doesn’t plan out every detail of any possible interaction and still believes the worst is to be expected.

Someone better than what…who I am now.

But every time I think about looking for this girl, this woman, I stop short.

Because what if…what if the person I am now,

Is who I’d be?

Alexis McIntosh is a first-year student at CVCC and enjoys writing whenever the urge hits her.

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